The Archbishop of Canterbury Reflects on Recent Events
Waking up with a severe hangover, I am compelled to drink an entire fish tank of water, along with the fish inside, to rehydrate. Reflecting on the week, I recall having given confession to Tony Blair as part of an ecumenical experiment. Recently, I was contacted by Keir Starmer’s office, requesting an opportunity for him to confess his sins as well.
A Confession from the Prime Minister
Keir Starmer knelt in the confessional box, separated by gauze. He began,
“Bless me, Archbishop, for I have sinned. I confess that in the grandeur of high office, I refer too infrequently to my humble origins. My father, for example, was a toolmaker.”
I interrupted,
“No, he owned the factory, ordering others to make the tools, you twat, but carry on.”
Starmer continued,
“My other sin is that I am sometimes too focused on delivery—delivery for British families and workers. This is my confession.”
I responded with disbelief,
“That’s it? What about lying your way to the Labour leadership, cozying up to Donald Trump, saluting like a Nazi, and arming a genocide? Say two Hail Marys and throw yourself into a septic tank of boiling goat’s semen, you utter cunt!”
After this, I blessed and dismissed him.
Light Moments and Observations
Trying to expunge the memory, I took a light breakfast and browsed a periodical. I read that Ricky Gervais has released a series of mock adverts for his own brand of vodka after Transport for London reportedly rejected his original ideas.
Author’s Summary
This reflection blends satirical confessions with harsh critiques, capturing a unique moment of humor and political commentary.